A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum Eyeglass Store

I sometimes would fantasize about this eyeglass shop; wondering what sort of characters of whimsy went in there.

I'd imagine their brightest customers all shared a love of fine frames & art pieces for the face. Fancy French woman with capes, brooches & black laquered cigarette holders, the one off wildy neurotic new yorker wearing The Ethicist spectacles, European fashion editors borrowing the odd frame for a shoot & of course, the occasional New York gal like me, who primarily wears contacts but has a closet, hoarding fetish with unusual eyewear; eager to build their personal collection.

So, about two weeks ago, I'm on my weekly Daffy's trip, eager to score pre-season bargains when I came to Linda Derector, and saw sheets of neon colored xerox paper in the window "Store Closing: All glasses $50 - $100, Sunglasses All $150". I dropped my parliment, dumped the cold latte, pressed the buzzer & walked in.

The shopkeepers said hello, I nodded back, and then began to engulf myself in what can only be described as a Hendrix tizzy: a colorful, flashy and fuzzy delirum.

Eyeglasses everywhere.

Vintage french readers encrusted in crystals. Aerodynamic brushed gold spectacles. Chartreuse wire-rimmed in a rombus-shape. Tortoise shell cat-eyed sunnies dotted in baby pearls.

Like a sex-starved man, I voraciously scooped up frame after frame, trying on almost every pair that lined the parameter of the store.

Everyone in the store had on glasses & I wanted in.

My some-what aging contact wearing-eyes have been so thristy lately, that I've been meaning to make the transition from the contact addicted to full-time glass wearer.

With a couple of bucks to burn, flags were raised, my shop was on.

Go.

I began to carefully peruse the frames when a customer, tucked in the corner, sauntered over to me and said, ''Dahling', now, these are for you."

She was a burly woman with a thick German accent, in a fetching beret & enormous, violet plastic glasses.

The nameless woman became somewhat of my personal shopper, and 2 hours later, we narrowed it down to 4 pairs glasses: clear & chartreuse plastic rims, the brushed gold aerodynamic specs, an electric-blue plastic frame, and my favorite: a zesty orange and hot pink wire square.

The salespeople measured me & packed up the frames to be fitted with lenses.

3 blistering cold winter days later, I arrived at the store to pick them up.

This time Linda, as in Linda Derector, was there.

I had on my uniform of all black and that day I was wearing my new Sergio Rossi gold over-the-knee flat boots. Derector told me she had the same pair; and asked where I purchased.

"Oh, just at one of my discount stores down in Tribeca. They've since closed down but I snagged these $1800 boots for a close-out price of $200."

She stared in bewilderment, realizing, we both share a love of two dear things: quirky eyewear & avant garde fashion.

I proceeded to show Linda a pair of sunglasses I saw & wanted to purchase, but wasn't sure if I wanted to make the financial commitment. They were Rochas: black, plastic, big, wide sunnies with transparent maroon arms latticed over in gold.

I tried them on for her.

L: "Those are gorgeous. I love them. No one your age has ever tried them on, nor wanted them. Tthey look fObulous. Wait. Where did you find this pair?"

Moi: "In the window, a few days ago, you like them? I think I'll take these as well."

L: "Dahling, you cant buy these. I'm sorry. They are too near & dear to my heart. Give them to me.''

M: ''Huh?''

L: ''I need those in my reserve. Some pairs I just simply wont sell & these are one of them, a collectors item. I'm sorry. You just can't. They're too special & the price is too cheap. These are Rochas from Paris. Come back to me on Friday & I'll let you go through my personal reserve & maybe we can find you another pair.''

I stared at her in fucking amazement & and disbelief.

M: ''Is my money not good? I deserve these.''

Scrambling for something genius to convince this Kook these will be mine, I gasped & blurted:

"Look. I'm a New Yorker & in my humble years on earth, I've ammassed quite the skill for sport shopping, I have wild shopping stories (visions of standing on the shoe bench at Loehmann's flighting with another customer over the last pair of deer skin leather riding boots, I.just.had.to.have. - danced through my head) but I have never. NEVER. Had a store owner tell me I can not purchase something because they want to keep it in their reserve!?!?!?"

Linda said she was sorry, scooped up the Rochas, opened up a hidden wall cabinet & dumped them into a skinny leather tray.

With one quick glimpse inside that leather tray, lie a sea of unbelieveable gems full of passion and secrets.

This was the personal reserve and there goes my sunglasses.

On the way out, she buzzed the bell and as I slowly opened the heavy glass door, turned to Linda and said,

"This is absolute insanity! See you Friday!"

I ran home, told the BBF in as many creative adjectives as possible & described the store, Linda, the frames, the Rochas' - he did a belly laugh and found my tangled web of a shopping excursion cute.

Friday, came around, I walked back down Mott St, went into the store, and there Linda was standing.

She said, "I called you. You didn't answer."

Moi: "I was on my way here."

L: "Come take your Rochas."

My cold face lit up, the heavens opened and sprinkles of fairydust showered down on me,

"Thank you. I love you."

And, in that moment I was happier than finding an 1982 Versus cami from Syms.

I left the store, excited; and more importantly, undefeated.

Linda, this post is for you - what a great jewel of a store you have there. I'm truly sorry you are closing.

For the readers: If you have a fetish or even the mere curiousity, check out Linda Derector - They're having a closing down sale, and maybe you can find a gem or five.