Posts by Lauren

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm about to find out. After over 10 years of maintaining my prized, shiny blonde locks, I've decided to go back to my roots. My brunette roots, that is.

Why the crazy-drastic-can't believe-I'm-giving-up-my-blonde-hair-change? Well... Ten years of root touch-up every 3-4 weeks not only takes a toll on your wallet, but obviously, on your hair. Beyond the fact that I didn't want to have to pull a Britney, I was ready for a change. And maybe it also has something to do with the fact that I just turned 25 and am currently undergoing a quarter-life crisis.

So after a shot (or two...) of vodka, enlisting my roommate K to come along as a support buddy (you know, to stop me in case I tried to flee the scene) and one last over-the-shoulder toss of my soon-to-be-gone blonde mane, I arrived at Red Market Salon on Gansevoort to go au natural.

Inhabiting a sleek 4th floor loft overlooking the Meatpacking District, Red Market is a self-described "late night" salon open from 2pm - 11pm. Great for people who work late...or for alkies and nightlife whores who don't even get up until 2. Whatever the reason, once there guests are treated to complimentary wine & champagne, DJ's (depending on the night), entertainment at the shampoo bowls via the Sundance Channel (finally, something interesting to stare at while the color's getting rinsed out of your hair), and laid back, no attitude, professional staff.

If this is what you typically look like after a night of partying, fear not - beauty guru Elizabeth Grant's new Socializer pens are here to make that transition from the bar to the boardroom a little less tragic.

That's right - the global beauty powerhouse designed this prod for all you alkies (present company included) who stumble into the office, you know, 2-3 mornings a week, looking like a tawdry piece of trash.

While they won't cure the pounding headache or nagging need to go throw up in the toilet, Grant's Socializerä pens WILL save you from looking like a raccoon on crack. After all, they have packed "all the hydrating, cooling, soothing, de-puffing, dark-circle-erasing, illuminating action" they could fit into two tiny tubes. Now that's some action a girl can get used to twice a day.

Slather on Late Nights before you crash (read: pass out still fully clothed), and Bright Lights when you wake up (read: drag yourself out of bed), and save yourself the concealer you used to cake on Marie Antionette-style.

Ok boys. Here's a little tip. While a girl loves a gentleman, you don't have to be so chivalrous...all the time.

We WANT to be kissed on the first date.

Don't walk us 14 blocks home, set up a second date, stare at us awkwardly for what feels like hours on the doorstep, and do nothing. Make a move damnit!

I'm not asking for sex....yet.

Just a nice, hot, passionate make out session to let me (and you) know if there any sparks. Grab me, pull me in, and kiss me. Run your fingers through my hair, down my neck, down my back, and fucking make out. with. me.

I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get some action around here? Walk around with a sticker saying "I might like you better if we slept together" stamped on my forehead?

A girl doesn't have all day. Make a move boys.

xoxo

L

Last night I put on my brightest romper and best pair of high heels to attend Patricia Field's (costume designer for SATC, duh) "Swim-sational Disco Soiree" at 230 Fifth Rooftop, celebrating the premiere of SATC2 and her very own Patricia Field/House of Field Eyewear, Swimwear and Beach Towel collections.

Even though no one could see them, there were swimsuits, and it was certainly a soiree thanks to all the free booze (thanks Skyy!), which is really the only reason people attend these things anyway. I mean, free booze is the only reason I personally attend anything. Yes, I am an alcoholic. And I suppose the drag queens made up the "Disco." Love me the drags!

Anywho, good thing I was coming in last night at 6'2", because I could just barely catch a glimpse of the runway show, which took place amongst a mannequin installation also showcasing the swim - that you could only see if, like myself, you happened to be a giant, or you were one of the lucky few granted access to the installation itself. Scantily clad models sporting reverse-fishtail hair (courtesy of none other than hair master Rodney Cutler for Cutler/Redken) strutted around in Pat's SATC2-inspired monokinis and cover-ups, along with swim looks from Ivana Sert (SATC) and The Blonds (of Brit-Brit and Ri-Ri fame).

From what I could see, the suits were super glam - perfect for crashing the SoHo House rooftop pool a la Samantha Jones. Or for a better bet, try crashing the pool at the Thompson LES. NOT that I know anything about this...Although with all those cut-outs, you're going to end up with some CRAZY tan lines.

Do be smart about your profile. Too short and people won't take your profile seriously, too long and no one's gonna read it. Pictures - you need a mix of close-ups and body shots. Close-ups to show everyone you're not hiding an ugly mug, and body shots to prove you're not hiding a beer gut. Reversely, if you're looking at a profile and there are only have pictures from a distance or pics cropped from the neck up - keep moving. Your dream man (or girl) is definitely hiding something. Think I'm being materialistic? Well guess what people. LOOKS MATTER. And it's the first thing people see when scrolling through profiles, so make sure yours stands out!

Don't false advertise. As you're about to soon learn from my TFA date, NO ONE likes a false advertiser. Your pictures should be as recent and truthful as possible. Recently gained 15 lbs? Then don't put up pictures of you 15 lbs thinner! No matter how many pairs of Spanx you have strapped on underneath that dress, he's gonna notice. And men - same goes for you. We do notice when a 6-pack online translates to a beer gut and love handles in person.

Do get a last name and (internet stalk) away. Google search, Facebook stalk, Twitter stalk - trust me, better to find out anything unsavory now than a few dates in when you've wasted time and energy. And if you think he isn't doing the same, think again.

Spring cleaning season is upon us, and since we all know we're not really going to pick up a bottle of Windex anytime soon, how about giving the 'ole mug a once-over instead?

If you read my recent Laser Diaries post, you already know I'm a fan of Satori Laser. So when asked if I'd like to try a session of their skin-resurfacing DiamondTome System, I jumped at the chance. I mean, did they know I had just turned 25 and already started plotting my botox-themed 30th birthday?

Anything to help turn back the wheels of time (especially when diamonds are involved) is fine by me!

Having wanted to try microdermabrasion for years, I was pretty psyched. While your average microderm blasts your face with crystal particles to aid in exfoliation - it's doing just that. Blasting your face with rough edged particles to literally force your skin off.

Hair removal's a bitch. Plain and simple. Shaving = razor cuts (ouch), ingrown hairs (ew) and razor burn (double ew + ouch). Depilatories = stank + as if you all didn't know - they don't work. Waxing = pain + waiting for it all to grow back in before ripping the suckers right back out, not to mention the occasional rash. As if this all doesn't sound bad enough already, we have to do it over. and over. and over. again.

Whether you're like me and shaving your underarms in the morning means stubble by night, or you're one of those lucky few who can stave off days at a time, the truth is conventional hair removal = no end in sight.

Enter: laser hair removal. Having wanting to try this for awhile, I was as happy as a an alcoholic at an open bar when offered the opportunity from Satori Laser. No more painful waxing? No more embarrassing ingrowns I'm forced to cover up on beach days (not to mention sexytime - don't lie, you know you've done it too) with concealer? Um, YES please!

Every now and then (or every night (cough cough) not like that's me...), it's not uncommon for us ladies to give ourselves a hand. And unless we want to develop a nice little case of carpel tunnel, we sometimes, need a little help.

So when asked to try out Empire Lab's Finger Vibe , I thought to myself. Hmm... Could be just the trick.

OH, and just the trick it is (!)

Whether you're single, engaged or married, this is one ring you can slip on, and enjoy, solo. This pint-sized finger vibe slips right onto your (obvs) finger for pleasure literally at your fingertips.

And unlike my usual mantra, size, shockingly, does not matter.

Believe me when I tell you this little guy packs a punch. A rhythmic, stimulating, orgasm-inducing punch, that is. Living with two roommates I was a little concerned I'd get busted over the usual "zzzzzzzzz" sound (I mean please, what else could it be), but was pleasantly surprised to find the little bugger is not only discreet in size, but in sound as well.

Some other added titbits (courtesy of EmpireLabs.com):

It glows in the dark: You know, in case you misplace your finger, it's easy to find.

60+ minutes of use: At approx 5 minutes per orgasm, you're looking at about 12 uses. And at $9.95, that breaks down to about $0.83 per use. I mean, if we're gonna get economical.

Non-metallic, no power cords: Thank god. Could you imagine electrocuting yourself down there? Talk about a shock you don't want to experience.

Safe, non-allergenic, contains no latex: I don't know about you, but I'm just glad my crotch doesn't have any allergies to begin with.

Phthalate FREE: Whatever the fuck that is.

Makes the perfect traveling partner: Bored on a flight? You can create your own mile-high club.

So ladies, the next time you go to give yourself a hand, put a ring on it instead. After all, who needs hand cramps when you can just give yourself the finger?

Happy vibing,

L

Just like "real life" pickup lines, some of the messages I receive online are real winners. Here, the leaders losers of the pack:

Source: POF

Subject: wow your sexxxy

Message: take a look at my pics.. tell me what you think

Verdict: Vomitrocious.

Two weeks later, from the same guy...:

Subject: wow your sexy (getting better with the spelling)

Message: was looking at your profile and
loved
your page..can you please take a
look
at my page and let me know what
you
think ..thank you
DO you have aol.aim?
whats your screen name

Verdict: Can you please learn how to put together at least one, cohesive sentence?

There are some pervy guys out there that do gross things: they have the chance to get down & dirty filthy with a lady tramp, and then...

They walk away smelling their fingers.

Like multiple whiffs.

Fucking animals.

Well, guess what. Now all you closeted sex addicts out there don't even have to score some pun to, well, smell like pun.

Enter Vulva Original Vaginal Scent from German company Vivaeros.

And don't worry - we're all for going native too.

Head (pun intended) of the company, Guido Lenssen, ensures that good 'ole Vulva is truly authentic. Made of a delish combo of female sweat, urine and - that's right - lube (the natural kind), you will truly feel (and let's not forget smell) as if you've just banged a lineup of steaming, stinkin' whores on the floor of a seedy motel.

We knew those Germans were into some freaky things, but this takes the cake, er...(rancid) cookie.

Now if only they would come up with a scent for the ladies...

Sweaty Balls anyone?